A love letter

I’ve decided to write a letter to myself. To the woman that went through surgery.

And to share it.

Because I don’t want to hide. Because I don’t want to pretend. Because I don’t want my page to feel like bubble gum and roses while I experience the biggest moments of my life.

I want to be real. I want to be raw. I want to be exposed and fully open. I want to grow, and I want to grow as big as I am meant to grow. 

So here it is:

Dearest, dearest Lauren, 

It’s been quite a ride. There has been so much you had no control over, but that’s always been true. You live better without control. I watch you. I see it. The illusion of control is merely that. 

Your heart has housed a vast complexity of emotions… pain, hurt, deep love and gratitude, and so many more, these last few years.

I have watched you grow into an even more beautiful soul. Your refusal to let anyone but you lead your life is awe inspiring. Your mom cultivated this. She cultivated so much within you. You own it and grow it so vividly. You wear it now as she always truly wanted you to.

There is so much others believe she can’t see now. I know she sees it all. 

I am SO proud of you. You have not only hurt so deeply in your heart, but you have opened it bigger and truer. You removed shields you previously built and felt, and know life so much richer. Your heart has expanded and you live bigger internally than you ever have… in the areas no one else can see. They can only feel it.

Your path is just starting. It sounds funny, but it’s true. There is so much you are meant to feel and show; to open doors for others into healing and into themselves.

This has always been your path. You just can’t help but see it now. It’s as clear as the sky on a summer day.

It all led here. It is in your DNA. This was always meant to be.

So here you are currently, doing something some may call crazy, but something you know you are meant to do and must do.

I couldn’t be more proud of every beautiful thing you are, scars and all. And your mom is, too.